Opinion: Now that I have the attention of all you gay romantic lovebirds, I’m talking about all those apps that are too numerous to list here and likely you’ve already tried. So this piece is my opinion and not based on loads of research, but I can speak from my experience being in a gay relationship for 20 years with some of those years being married to my husband and including the numerous times I wanted to throw in the towel when things got tough.
So why do I care about your love life? I see a lot of dissatisfaction in our community when it comes to seeking contented love. And if you think I’m talking about “Happily Ever After”, please stop, because this is not sponsored by The Fairytale Network that shall remain nameless. I’m talking about the real work that’s put into yourself, meeting someone and remaining in love with that someone over a long time.
Before I get to the apps let’s talk about you in general, in order to find someone you need to know yourself really well and that means looking in the mirror and facing the flaws, the past heartaches and I’ll call it past life-aches. You need to be your own best friend, your best companion when spending loads of time alone and you need to know yourself well enough that you actually love that flawed person in that steamy bathroom mirror that you gaze at every morning. So if this part makes you pause to think, then ignore the apps and meeting people until you’re clear with your wants and needs and what you have to offer someone else. Sometimes your past may be too overwhelming to figure out on your own, but there is plenty of professional help to decipher your history and feelings and there is no shame in asking for assistance in finding your real essence.
Now let’s assume you did your work and found your bold loving self, that brings me back to the apps or meeting compatible people in social situations. You may have seen the app profiles that concentrate on physical attributes, positions, sexual health, your interests and your purpose for having a profile. Don’t get me wrong these are also important but if you’re looking for more than a quick tryst, apps need to include 2 things. Firstly, apps should have 2 portals or tabs if you will; one that is for relationships and one for connections in the very same app. Secondly, on the relationship tab, it needs to include a core values section.
Core values can be defined as the essence of your relationships with life according to you.
A value can be:
- “We need to love our family time together”
- “Financial responsibility is important to me and I want my partner to be as well”
- “I attend church and faith is something I want to share with you”
- “I live a sober lifestyle”
- “I want Monogamy”
- “Long-distance relationships are not for me”
- “I want to get married one day”
- “I want to adopt/have children”
- “Sexual expression of kink is something I love”
Core values are important because they can be relationship defining or deal-breakers.
Final words, as gay adults we spend a large portion of our lives uncovering the parts of ourselves we may have hidden or felt ashamed about. That means that knowing yourself is paramount before seeking that special someone. That said, there is no reason modern relationship apps can’t help you define what you are REALLY looking for.