When I started to suspect
I was 13 when I first had sex with a man. Sure I had fooled around with other boys my own age before that. Earlier I had the normal experience of I’ll show you mine … with a girl. It wasn’t until the summer of 1984 that I had sex for for the first time, with an 18 year old, older brother of a friend. I started to suspect I was gay that summer. Purple Rain was released and I remember it playing when he and I stayed up all night talking. I had sex with a girl the fall that followed, and I had to remember him fucking me to orgasm with her. I did not continue to explore my sexuality until much later in life. For the next 13 years I focused on school, work, survival. I did not have the luxury and inclination to explore my sexuality.
When I realized
One Sunday morning in spring of 1994, I was reading the messages in an old IRC (Internet Relay Chat) message channel. I read in #Gay #Alberta two guys talking about the bar they went to last evening. I asked “Which bar?” and they replied “Boyz Town”. I hurried to the White Pages, how we looked up telephone numbers back before the internet. What do you know! I found the listing along with the street address. Calgary’s streets and Avenues follow a cartesian grid the centre of which is downtown. The rest of the city is four quadrants. NorthWest, NorthEast, SouthWest and SouthEast. I worked night shifts in a call-centre downtown. I figured the bar was a few blocks away, so I made a plan to visit after work the very next night. Monday after work I go and find a plain door in a plain building with no outward signs of activity - I went in. The door man informed me that it was a private club. The cover was $5 and I would have to provide my name and telephone number, a way back then to make it private to keep out cops and heteros). I gave him what he asked and the bouncer let me in. It was in fact a bar! There were pool tables, a dance floor, several banquettes and many long bar tables and high stools. It was almost completely empty! - it was Monday night after all! I went to the bar ordered a drink and made small talk with the bar tender, and it felt completely normal. It was empty because it was Monday. I resolved to come back Friday night …
I was finally out to myself!
My next post will be when I came out to my twin brother & my Mom / Dad!